Like I said, I’m still searching, learning, and trying to love myself after years of insecurity and self-loathing. Insecurity was clouding me from clear judgments about myself. And after learning MBTI deeper, I discovered that I’m not actually INTP, I’m an INTJ after all this time. So, without further ado, let me retype myself and here’s how it feels.
Type: INTJ | 6w5 | ILI
(Introverted Intuition) Ni: Looking back, I realized since I was kid, I already pushed my mind. I read books that were too big for kids my age. Like, I read human and animals anatomy books in elementary school that I was supposed to study in middle school. I excelled in English class better than anyone in short time. So, at school, I was already ahead than other kids in few subjects.
And today, becoming a great writer and author is my aspiration since high school. It feels like I’d lose my real identity if you take writing away from me. That’s why I’m dedicating my study and learning to be a great author I always wanted to be. I read everything and eliminate information I learned until I get materials that are actually useful for me. At work, I got along really well with my boss and co-workers. Even if we have different cognitive functions, their thoughts and goals are aligned with mine.
Having this function is giving me a bit difficulty to my love life and my social life. I can smell bullshit from anyone. I always trust my gut more than anything. Often times, I get a feeling about someone that they’re up to no good, and I can’t put my finger on it. But usually, time reveals why they’re actually bad people. 7 out 10 times, my gut is always right. There are a lot of people who seem nice but I stay away from them because my gut’s telling me they’re bad.
On the other hand, I can tell if a guys secretly has a crush on me. I can sense my friend’s feelings got slightly changed when we’re talking (with the help from my anxiety), even if they hide it quite well. Some of my friends think I’m weird because I often speak in metaphors or in a way they don’t understand. And even if I can sense a slight change of someone’s feelings and gestures, I’m still pretty oblivious to social manners, which is why I’m still socially awkward and anxious at social gatherings. Thanks to my ENFJ best friend, she taught me how to socialize properly and my ESTP friend whose keen observations feed more variables and data for me to read social cues.
Unfortunately, having this function means I always predict EVERYTHING. Sometimes dating some guys can be boring even before I started it because I already see the pattern that will happen if I decided to go out with them. I make back up plans for my back up plans and when the situations get out of hand, I’d freak out, as if there’s no other way out because I didn’t see it coming. And I have exact standards for my future spouse. That’s why, it’s hard for me to live in the moment with guys around me and it’s also hard for me to fall in love with one of them without looping back to my standards.
Extroverted Thinking (Te): When I smell bullshit from anyone, I will always call them out on it. I will demand them to own their drama and emotions, and I won’t let them take it out on me. Not all my friends agree with my method, but I can’t help it. Sooner or later, I will make them spill the beans, like it or not.
I usually use the most practical and efficient ways to get things done. I can tell when I should use the old ways or invent a new one to solve things. I sort out my works in a way people can enjoy and understand. If there’s a tough situation, I try my best to be calm and positive. I believe every problems has solutions, sometimes people just get caught up and confused by panic. When I have a plan, I follow them step by step and if there’s a slight chance, I need to be informed days instead of minutes before execution.
Now, I’m good at distancing myself when I catch feelings from any guys. I rationalize my feelings first before I tell them to my friends and family. And I’m a solution-oriented person, when people approached me to let out their feelings, I usually give them advice on what they should do more than comfort.
I have a little confession: sometimes I manipulate people to do things I want and it feels good. Don’t worry, I’m doing my best to make sure they get the same advantages that I got as well. And um, there are also times I kinda do ‘experiments’ on people to test my theory or others’. I have different social masks I wear whenever I’m with people. It’s not I’m being fake or something, it’s like when you adjust a stereo to listen different kinds of music. Same components, only different settings.
Sadly, I can be demanding and expect others to be able to do the same thing I did. Some people think I’m heartless and selfish. And I’m not actually sure what to make of that, though…
Introverted Feeling (Fi): So far, there are only two people who has seen my raw emotions and total meltdowns with their own eyes, my mum and my best friend. I keep my emotions private and can be uncomfortable to let them out. This is the function that helps me find out if someone is being genuine to me or not. This is the function that makes me feel like I need to find a good purpose behind every manipulations and experiments.
Even if it’s private, my emotions are burning like inferno. I cry alone, and that’s how I prefer. There are times when I feel misunderstood by others. Not because they don’t care, it’s just I can’t put better words for my own emotions. I need a day or two to process my feelings before I come forward and tell them how I feel. But yeah, I can let out my feelings right away, but usually it went wrong and I end up hurting people with my words.
My Te function makes me a realist, but I’m an idealist as well. Deep down, I wish my works and my articles would help people finding better ways for their life. I try to do my best to make people I really care about happy, even if I have to sacrifice myself. I realize that I find it hard to open up to someone because I tend to analyze them before I decide to trust them or not. I cry easily when I see stray animals got hurt on the street and I wish I could take care and nurture them all. And there are experiences from my past that’s still left me wounded and clouding my judgments and expectations.
Also, I have a rebel side. As a woman, I don’t think I’m fit into social rules in my own culture. Every time someone tries to tell me what to do, I always end up doing the exact opposites they expect from me. My moral principal is very firm. For example, I demand equality from any kind of relationship and any aspects of my life. I encourage people to stay true with their words and have some integrity in their life. I will never yield and accept less from anything and anyone. And it’s hard for me to be someone I’m not to please others.
The bright side of having this function is while I’m a private person, some of my friends find comfort to confide in me about their secrets. I never tell anyone about it because 1) I don’t really care, people can do whatever they want, even if it’s a fucked up thing to do; 2) I usually forget everything they told me by tomorrow.
At my best, I try to eliminate ‘unimportant’ emotions that get in my way. But at my worst, I can’t help but crying over the demons I have to face everyday inside me. And I did both silently, no one will ever know.
Extroverted Sensing (Se): I may not live in the moment, but occasionally, I enjoy doing physical things. I didn’t hesitate going rafting with my cousins for the first time cause it sounded fun. In high school, I joined martial art club. Theater is one of my hobbies I’m doing with my friends. Recently, I found myself enjoying bowling so much and a new dancing game at a game center! This function helps me getting along with different kind of people in short time (when I’m in the mood to open up to people). That’s why now I have different circles of friends from different social backgrounds. When my Ni function is on laser-focused mode, I can’t sit still, I need to do anything to satiate my curiosity on certain objects. I won’t be patient to wait.
I have to admit I enjoy luxury once in awhile by going shopping with my friends, hanging out at trendy or popular coffee shops, and burning my money for books. I have my own sense of style that makes me look different than the rest of other people. Hot/iced chocolate are my poison. And I can’t function properly at work without my coffee.
I have several scars on my head and one on my foot for being reckless. I am unable to drive because I get freaked out with how fast a car or motorbike can go. I’m not good in nature as well. I always slip, get lost, and I’m sure as hell I won’t survive a day alone in a mountain or forest. This is why I’m well aware of my own physical limitations. My mentor told me that I have great potentials, but I’m not physically loosened enough to release them fully.
By observing the environment and people, I’m able to make predictions and stuffs. But since this is my weakest function, my prediction can be inaccurate without enough data and variables or if I’m not observant enough.
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